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Imagine a World Where More People Were Demisexual

An asexual symbol that originates from the AVE...

Image via Wikipedia

Sexuality is interesting. Period. Even if you say you don’t think so, you find it interesting too. I just learned about “demisexuality” and I think I may actually find it more interesting than biromantic asexuals. (now that’s one complicated orientation)

The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual.

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship.

Seriously click the link. I urge you to read up. It’s interesting!! Like that it would be inaccurate to view the demisexual as someone making a choice and not seeing it as an actual orientation. Because they are not choosing to abstain; the want is actually not there until a close relationship has been formed. Differing from the biromantic asexual because they actively want “relationships” and all that jazz, but the sexual desires remains not present (but they will perform out of love). Their attraction crosses genders for various character reasons; but again to clarify, even when in relationships the physical desire doesn’t emerge.

Demi’s don’t actively want “relationships” they want “friendships” (more like asexuals), they see all interactions as such. Therefore they rarely even have crushes…and they tend to have difficulty dating because physical attraction does affect ones’ behavior in potential romantic situations. But their behavior doesn’t change how you’d expect because they are not interested in the potential direction that leads towards sexual interaction. (So they could fall in love with you and still treat you like a member of the friend zone, but not really by choice…) Confusing right?  Bear with me; I’m trying to explain it. (see what I mean about it’s fascination factor!)

What makes this orientation different is that depending on the level of extreme emotional connection they find themselves in (usually with a friend, and practically of a surprise to themselves) a sexual desire does present (so pretty much way down the road).

Put it in this in perspective, think of how many people you felt the highest level of emotional closeness with (generally it’s not a high number…)  and that might better represent the rarity in their “liking” someone a in  physical way. Think about how confusing for the recipient it might be because if they’re someone with “typical” sexual desires, they’d most likely have long since dismissed that possibility, and they’d only see them as a friend. And again gender is not a determining factor, it’s just the emotional bond. (So imagine if they were bff’s with an asexual, and all of a sudden they wanted to do the deed. Drama on both ends…)

That’s kind of a lot to wrap your head around…huh? Take a moment, go back to that link I suggested, than tag along with me to the demisexuality community, because I’ll bet you’re now curious who identifies themselves as this, and how they came to that realization. Here’s a teaser…

I just figured out that I was demisexual last night.  A close friend of mine showed me the article on AVEN and everything just clicked.  Beforehand I considered myself bisexual or pansexual, but neither of those really seemed to fit because I always considered myself extremely picky.  I’ve had three crushes in my entire life; the first two were on people who I’ve known for fourteen or fifteen years.  The last one was on a girl I’d only known for a year, but we’d gotten to be very, VERY close friends.  Before those particular crushes, I wasn’t repulsed by the idea of sex; I just wasn’t interested in relationships that had even the slightest possibilities of turning remotely sexual.

I never realized how much a relief having such a precise, fitting label could be.  I mean, I wouldn’t like to be normal, per se; but I wouldn’t like to be alone either.


About maggie.

Maggie Barnes is a nonprofit and for profit business content specialist / social media consultant; and social sciences web writer interested in everything from psychology and sexuality, to technology, race, and economics. She is passionate about good communication and information accessibility.


2 thoughts on “Imagine a World Where More People Were Demisexual

  1. A world of demisexuals would be a paradise to live in. People would either be in stable reciprocal monogamoous relationships or else they would not annoy others by attempting to make them the prey of unwanted unattached sexuality. What a relaxed life it would be for a woman in a world without predators.
    Nobody would be hurt by by the cruelty of promiscuous dumping and cheating.
    But far from living in such a world, I cannot even find one demisexual partner.

    Posted by maruli | January 31, 2012, 1:52 pm


  1. Pingback: Imagine a World Where More People Were Demisexual « MAGGIE BARNES - February 22, 2012

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